As A Blonde
by Forget-Me-Not Writing
Summary: "Artemis was Wally's partner. Let's see how Tigress does." "As a hero?" Bart Allen, the new Kid Flash, asked. "As a blonde," I smirked in response. I didn't realize at the time, but I was already setting myself up for failure by not fully accepting Bart's suggestion. Words are a powerful thing –even when denying their weight.


**Author's Note:** Hi! Here is a potential grief-growth process our favorite archer/double-agent could have possibly experienced.

I do not own Young Justice or these characters -just this particular arrangement of letters and words. :D

* * *

 _"Artemis was Wally's partner. Let's see how Tigress does."_

 _"As a hero?" Bart Allen, the new Kid Flash, asked._

 _"As a blonde," I smirked in response._

I didn't realize at the time, but I was already setting myself up for failure by not fully accepting Bart's suggestion. Words are a powerful thing –even when denying their weight.

* * *

My anger came out of me from everywhere; my words, facial expressions, body language. At first I didn't mean to be so, so… so much like my father. But I was in mourning and no one dared offer me correction… or comfort. It was like I was back to day one being on the team with walls up, guard up, and only myself to blame. Obviously, back then and now M'gann tried to befriend me. But I'm my own worst enemy and shut her out when she got within ten feet of me.

Every night, after endless hours of brash remarks, cheap shots at teammates, and lack of focus on missions, I would lie on my back and stare at the ceiling, sky, outer space views -whatever was my sleeping site for that particular night- and I'd mentally run through the tortuous question: could I have done something different to prevent Wally's death? Did I cause it by coming out of retirement, obligating him to do so, too? Unfortunately, these answerless questions were my lullaby -dragging me into miserable, nightmare-filled sleep each night.

The team could handle my attitude; however, my attention span couldn't. I guess I don't blame them. Me being too swallowed by my own misery clouded my judgment, my aim, and my teammates. I'll never know if they would have been willing to keep me on the team after the mission when I missed a cue on shooting the enemy and accidentally skirted Miss Martian's stomach. For certain, if it were up to Garfield, Connor, or La'Gaan, I'd be kicked out in a heartbeat.

I finished the mission, silently, and was miles away before the team returned to the new hideout spot on earth, The Watch Tower 2.0. Earpiece communicator and any team memorabilia left on the counter when they entered the W2 –nicknamed by Garfield appropriately. I didn't know how seeing my absence pained M'gann more than the field injury, or how Aqualad frowned and silently left the proximity, but not without him reminding the other teammates that I was in pain and them taking offense in me taking my anger out on them was not fair.

"When we thought Artemis died when you were doing your super secret deep cover mission, we mourned her but didn't cost the team any injuries," grumpily, pouted Garfield.

"The kid's right, Kaldur," Connor admitted with a frown.

"Neptune's beard!" cursed La'Gann. "Let her go. Let her go and be a misfit on some other team."

"Like any other team would take her 'tude right now," pointed out Karen Beecher as she slipped off her Bumblebee goggles.

"My girl's right," chimed in Mal as he placed a large hand on Karen's shoulder. "We've been putting up with a lot; both in losing Kid Flash and in dealing with grumpy Artemis."

"I know," cut in Kaldur. "Artemis is hurting and in mourning and that is what makes her—"

Connor cut in with his suggestion, "Dangerous?"

"Unpredictable?" Cassie added.

"Not fun anymore?" griped Garfield as he perched on the counter and snagged a cookie gloomily.

"Vulnerable and in need of _her_ team," M'gann correctly finished. Kaldur nodded. "Not just a random gang of people with powers or abilities, but us. We are her family, after all."

"And family to each other," quietly added Kaldur as he slowly blinked, made eye contact with his teammates, his family, and then departed noiselessly.

But I didn't know of that care, of that deep-rooted commitment. All I knew right then was that I was a loose cannon and needed to shoot something.

* * *

"So, Tigress as a blonde, huh?"

"Yeah, just," I shrug and leave my arms open to express my empty answer. "Artemis was Wally's partner. Tigress is… a weird combination of her own solo thing and companion to Aqualad."

Nightwing didn't reply, only understood and extended his hand to me. I grabbed his palm with mine and he silently lead me to where he's been staked out since him on sabbatical from the team. I don't think I meant to find him, but maybe I really did. Dick Grayson was the only other person who I knew was feeling Wally's death just as hard as me. They were childhood friends –both in the line of duty and off, and that was a special bond. So how I ended up shooting archery in the forest near Nightwing's lair was destined, I suppose.

We don't talk in the short jet ride from the woods to his place. I numbly follow his lead and collapse on the couch in his space. He disappears into the kitchen and I realize how starving I am. I've been rogue from the team for over a month now and meals were few and far between. My alone time was meant to just be a few hours for some target practice, but those mere hours slipped into days and the longer I stayed away, the less I wanted to confront the team and make amends for my actions. I know we all lost Wally, a piece of us is all gone, so then why does it seem like I was the only one grieving him?

Subconsciously, I must have been seeking Nighwing since my feet took me towards Jump City. I found a space and yanked out my weapons and obliterated any tree that dared be in my proximity. I was wresting my arm back and aiming for a flower's petal to decapitate from its stem, when a strong, solid grip on my arrow prohibited me from firing.

" _So, Tigress as a blonde, huh?" His words brought me out of my shooting stupor and I dropped my weapons carelessly and leapt away from him._

"It's funny," lightly laughed Nightwing as he fiddled with a boomerang, his soft laugh bringing me back to the present, "we create these aliases, these secret identities as heroes to protect our 'normal' selves, and the hero mask truly becomes who we are. I have been just me since the Artic mission and turning over the team back to Kaldur, I don't know what to do with myself."

"Clearly," I comment to my former leader as I observe his lair. Everything was in pristine order and cleaned from top to bottom. The space wasn't bright, but not creepy either. Like what I imagine was Batman's geography, the lair was nestled in a cave in a hill near Jump City. The strategically placed windows allowed Nightwing prime observance areas with a high vantage point over the city, but from the outside the windows were disguised as the Cliffside with the infamous Bat and Nightwing tech both heroes are gifted with.

"You tripped some of my motion sensors that I have placed around the property and premise near both the cave and city," began he as he placed a TV tray dinner warmed from the microwave before her. "To be honest, Artemis, I wanted to leave you out there. I haven't finished my time in needing solace yet."

"So why did you come get me, then?"

Nightwing took his time compiling his answer, he kept his eyes on the broken boomerang he continued to toy in his grip. Finally, he revealed, "I realized that although we don't get to choose the situations that make us grieve, we do get to choose how we handle that grief and how long we'll let it control us."

"So you're tossing out Wally's memory just like that!" I snapped at him, blinded by my mourning to realize I was being unfair to Wally's best friend.

"Helping people is going to be what preserves his legacy," calmly, Nightwing replied in a sad voice.

This statement threw me off guard, but I decided to extend my ears and give him a chance to further explain himself. I perched on the couch's edge, ready to take flight the second his sadness about Wally doesn't match up to par.

"Wally was kind and a friend and loved using his powers to help others," explained Nightwing, finally putting down the boomerang and locking his gaze with me. "Having the jobs that we do –did- Wally and I once discussed what we'd do if we ever lost one another."

He paused and I was afraid he wouldn't continue talking; Nightwing tended to be closed off and guarded so I may not hear the rest.

Thankfully, he continued, "And no amount of words or grand ideas could have prepared me for the loss I feel. Honestly, I think we both silently thought I'd be the first to be taken out, Wally always did insist I was crazy-stubborn and won't stop until I nab the bad guy –he's probably right," he chuckled with a teary smile. I nodded in honest agreement on his claim. "But ultimately, we came to the conclusion that we'd want the other hero to continue pursuing justice in whatever form it looked like to us. Whether it's as a hero on the League, or doing your best on a test for school, or whatever. But to just continue life in honor of the fallen and not give up. It's how I'd want Wally to be living for me if it were reverse." He shrugged and glanced away; suddenly shy at the floodgate of words.

"That's impossible to live on as if he never existed," I snapped, in shock of Nightwing's choices.

"Not ignoring his life, Artemis," quietly he corrected, "honoring his life. And it will look different in each of our lives. For me, it was reaching out to you when I wanted to be alone and done. Pushing on just like he did with the heart transplant on his birthday a number of years ago."

Slowly, I nod as I examine Nightwing's philosophy and advice. I mumble that I just want to lie down and he nods in return and lets me crash on his couch. The next few days are a montage of us eating cheap food, target practice with various weapons, and a couple Wally memories passed between us as well. At night, when Nightwing thought I was asleep, I would sometimes hear him cry or talk to himself. But every night, he slipped out of the cave for an hour or two. I knew it'd be pointless to follow him –he'd sense me in a second- so I asked him about it after night three of vacating the cave at midnight.

I was expecting a response along the lines of "I can't handle life and go out in anger" or "I visit his grave" or anything angsty, really.

Instead I received, "Um, I kind of met someone."

I'm not the average, flip a switch and go into wedding planning mode at the mention of a relationship, but I was instantly curious. When he was Robin, he had a crush on a few girl members of the Young Justice, but nothing too serious despite him being one of the most serious teenagers ever.

"And?" I pressed.

"And she's a fighter and insanely strong and smart and gullible and shy and brave all at once," he rambled, raking his fingers through his thick, black hair. I almost took a picture of Nightwing blushing.

"Well, that's… nice," I mumble, unsure and unconfident in how this conversation should be going. I didn't have a normal teenager scene: I fought villains with a bow and arrow. I didn't really have girl talk with the few girls that ever did grace Mount Justice. I don't know how to talk about crushes. I've only experienced one major crush: Wallace "Kid Flash" West. And boy, was it crushing dealing with the aftermath.

Instantly, I was mad again at Nightwing for replacing his best friend with some new hero chick.

"Glad you can swap out your best friend with this new fabulous creation," I spat –unfairly- at Nightwing. "If the roles were reversed, I hope Wally would take me out on a date night every night too."

"Artemis-"

"It's Tigress," I growl.

"Whatever," he cut off, his voice deepening as I predicted a justice-filed monologue approaching the conversation. "If the roles were reversed, I would want Wally to take you out on dates." His eye mask narrowed, clearly displaying his disapproval in my low jibes. I turned my body to avoid his disappointment. I know he's right, but I'm still so incredibly angry. "And I would want him to find another guy for some bro-time. It'd be great if he talked about me with some close friends every now and then, but having him moan and mourn over me to everybody and closing off his life just because I was gone makes me really… I don't know… uncomfortable? It makes it seem like I was the point of his life and not fighting for what was right. A bigger picture. What the Justice League is all about."

* * *

I don't think he was surprised to find me unresponsive to that reminder comment. I don't think he was shocked to find the couch empty the next morning. I think, if anything, he just accepted my abandonment. Had I stayed, I would have met this new friend of his and immediately be intimated by her beauty but drawn to her natural wisdom and optimistic perspective. I think I would have eventually scoffed at her cheerfulness and spit my woes to her. Even though I'm not sure this is what would have happened, I instantly felt shame and guilt at yelling at some girl who was just trying to be nice and I wanted her personality to be beheaded just because I was angry.

Tigress as a blonde was bitter and really frustrating to live with, I begrudgingly realized.

* * *

"Oh, for the love of- do I have to be everyone's life coach?" Jade muttered to herself.

It's been two weeks since I last saw Nightwing. His memories and friendship helped for the three days I was in his cave, but then I left and reality settled back in. Grief doesn't take holiday, I grimly realized.

"You?" I sneered at my sister's commentary, "A life coach? How? On how to _end_ one's life?" I don't know how the Cheshire Cat found me, but she is my blood and knows me best in the world other than… well, I guess she is the person who knows me best now.

"Haha," drily Jade replied. "Roy got in this slump when he found out he was a clone and I had to drag him out of it, too."

"By literally dragging him?"

"By reminding him who he is," sniped Jade, and then without warning, she did a roundhouse kick to her sister's side, knocking the unsuspecting blonde archer to the ground.

"Dude!" I huffed as I attempted to catch my breath from the takedown.

"Get. Back. Up."

I ignored Jade's command and squeezed my eyes shut. It was coming again: a wave of nostalgia from out of nowhere, ready to sweep over me and take away present day and crush me into the past with memories of Wally. However, the tighter I clamped my eyes only seemed to embrace the tsunami.

"If you want to be coddled or told that everything will be okay, then go back to Mom or that Meg alien chick, but if you want to fight, then you get back up," Jade barked, pacing by my crumbled body with angry stomps.

"I'm," slowly I heaved in response, "I'm tired of fighting." I crunched my stomach and sat up groggily. Immediately, Jade snapped her foot to my shoulder and I was back to Mother Earth.

"Too bad," she sneered.

I squinted at her angrily and moved to sit back up but her quick pressure point hit to my neck had me back down again.

"Let me up!"

"No."

And I didn't realize it then, but that was the best present a sibling could have ever bestowed to her sister.

* * *

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here," offered I. It was nearly a week after Jade's "heart-to-heart", or vicious smack down, but it honestly did me a lot of good, too. She boxed me and it was the first time since the mission I blew earlier with M'gann getting hurt that I fought. However, with sparring Jade, my mind knew that I didn't have team depending on me, so I could either dodge the punches or accept them. The latter I chose and gladly welcomed the pain.

" _Let me up!"_

" _No." Jade replied and shoved her boot further upon my chest._

" _You're insane," I grumbled, struggling to move from her wrath._

" _Get a grip, sister," Jade had demanded as she jabbed my stomach. "If you want to be a punching bag, go someplace else. I don't want my daughter to grow up knowing her aunt is a push over and slump and weak." Jade hovered over my body that was sprawled on the ground in pain from her attacks. "But if you want to recognize the reflection in the mirror or claim any credit to my relation, then you get back up and fight like the woman you are. Prove to me that I have not been wasting my efforts on a useless human."_

" _Just leave me be!" I had screeched back to her, curling into a fetal position._

" _No, life isn't like that, sister," Jade retorted. "When it pushes at you, you can either give up and be on the ground, hurt, or you can rise and fight back and move away from the punches."_

" _I can't!"_

" _Yes, you can, you idiot. You're my sister, you're Artemis, you're Tigress, you're Wally's girlfriend, you're a member of that lame teen team, and you're so many other things. And right now, you're being weak. You can give in and wallow, or you can push on and show life that you deserve to be here because we all don't get that privilege. Live in a way Wally would be proud of. But live in a way you are proud of too, because it's your life first and foremost, Artemis. Now, fight."_

 _By that point in my sister's speech I had uncurled and was staring at the Cheshire, who was my enemy for so long, through tears and a new light. I responded in the only way I knew how, I made myself a cyclone and swept my leg at her ankles and brought her down to my level and pinned her shoulders to the ground with my knees. Then, as she is famous for her mask of a large cat grin, I see Jade reveal a genuine smile._

* * *

"We all tend to come back here when we're in search of a home," Kaldur responded. His soft voice brought me back from my sister showdown and to the present. I was on the crumbles of what remained of Mount Justice.

"I come here often," he mentioned more of to the stars than specifically to me. "Atlantis is hard to return to when I feel like I need to be in a familiar place, a place before the last few months," Kaldur added.

"Home doesn't really feel like home right now," finally, I mumble to my comrade.

"Atlantis was my home. Then I joined the Young Justice team, and Batman made me choose where I was to belong, because I was dividing my time and focus among both the team and my previous life. And even though I love and treasure Atlantis, I was needed more on the land with the team. And this became home. Home can have seasons, I think."

"Home should be a rock, something that never changes," bitterly, I respond.

"Home is where the heart is," he said. I turned and gave him a curious look. "I heard it once when I was on land somewhere. At first, the saying confused me. Then, I realized that what you love is your home."

"Well, my home is something I can never see again," with tears in my eyes, I spit to Kaldur. I don't know why I'm taking this out on him, but I am. I know I want to live my life the way Jade demanded I should, but if it's in bitterness and angrily responding to my teammates, I don't know if I truly want to, then.

I choke back tears as I confusingly continue my rant, "I don't want to be a hero anymore. I don't want to respond to distress calls. I just want to go to boring college and sit through lectures and come home to make dinner for Wally and fall asleep doing homework. I just want my home back." I'm hunched over at this point, the position I had been in after Jade jabbed my gut so many times I felt like hurling.

I feel a cool hand touch my shoulder. Kaldur always has a cooler touch than most people; having a life inspired by water would do that to you. I don't shake it off when I realize that other than punches, this is the first human touch I receive since the artic disaster where I lost Wally. I've never been much for hugs in the first place, but I desperately needed this. My bruised arms wound around Kaldur's neck and his strong arms gently encompassed me like a warm tidal pool. Sobbing, my knees gave out and I sank to the ground, pulling the Aqualad with me. We sat for some time, salt water from the eyes and in the ocean before us offering an odd calm to the storm in my heart. Eventually I found myself leaning my head on his shoulder and Kaldur patiently waiting until I was ready to hear the wisdom he was about to spout.

"I don't like who I've become since he left, but I don't think I can re-become who I was before it," finally, I confess.

"By wasting your talents on anti-heroism, you are not only going against what Wally sacrificed himself for, but more importantly, who you are. As much as your father and my father insists, villainy does not make up our DNA."

"I'd never want to endanger what Wally died for, but I don't want to move on and forget him either."

"When I lost Tula, I wanted the ocean to swallow me," quietly, Kaldur admitted. I leaned back my head to watch his schooled and calm facial features as he did a rare opposition to his concealed nature and revealed what was on his heart and mind. "I wanted everyone miserable. Then, the crazy double-agent situation with my dad happened, and people were suddenly afraid of me. My friends didn't trust me, and it was believable because of how I allowed Tula's death affect me. I hated that season, but I was stuck there," he confessed.

Silence enveloped us.

I squeezed his shoulder to encourage him to continue. For some reason, that human contact made me more attentive to his story, more empathetic to his pain.

"Then," continued Kaldur, "after some time, I realized I was violating every virtue and characteristic she represented through my resentment. There will be some people who won't ever get to meet my first love, but by exemplifying who Tula was –kind, brave, and generous- they'll know a piece of her through me. And that was enough. It helped me move on."

* * *

It's been two years since Wally's death. Eight years since I joined the Young Justice League. When I first suited up and called myself a hero with the other teenagers, I was instantly drawn to Robin and his leadership and skills (and yes, his good looks, too. Whatever). M'gann's friendship was the first to touch me -despite her naivety about earthlings and specific traditions. It took a long time for Red Arrow to trust me, there are times even now where I think he can occasionally revert to that accusing mode after I babysit Lian for him and Jade. And in between the instant attraction to some members and immediate judgment from others, there was Wally. He was a jokester, a never-ending pit for food to fall in, and an impossibly impeccable balance of being a lover and a fighter. He would never break loyalties and do his best in each and every mission. He had me grammar check his essays in school and we had many late night study sessions filled with pep talks how a degree was going to be worth it.

He was my person.

Wally was my person and he's still not here.

Some days I wake up and wonder how I could possibly even get out of bed with the weight of grief on my chest. And then I remember how he lived –with fearless joy- and I remember how I want to live the same.

The first six weeks of Tigress being blonde were sated with hate and angry and mourning. I cringe to think I had allowed myself to fall so far, but that is why we have teammates. Why we aren't meant to do this life game alone. It's why we have the M'ganns of the world: ready to offer a smile and hug and listening ear. It's why we have the Nightwings: those who listen but mainly just exist and bring reason to the situation. It's why we have the Jades: the sisters who see us for what we are from where we've come from, only to scoff and demand more. I'll never be able to repay her for kicking me that day. It pushed me to find Aqualad's advice. The Kaldurs of the world are leaders and listeners and life-experienced. They learn from missions –both assigned duties and the ones dealt by life.

I'm grateful for my team. I'm grateful for getting through school –also a team effort. I'm grateful for the few years with Wally. I still get mad sometimes that my time with Wally will soon be less than compared to life after Wally. Then, I look at my sweet toddler niece, Lian, and desperately want her to know how funny and happy and courageous a person could be –like Wally.

I strap on my Tigress mask, tossing my blonde hair over my shoulder and catch a glimpse of Bart Allen, the boy who was bestowed the title Kid Flash after the Artic mission. Honestly, I couldn't look at him for a few weeks when I came back to the team after Aqualad and my heart-to-heart; but then I saw his eagerness for life and realized I was given a spirit of Wally through his distant relation.

I'm not a mothering person, but I immediately "adopted" the Kid Flash and wanted him safe. The team naturally understood my need to make sure Bart was okay, and the boy didn't seem to mind either. For some reason, today, catching a glimpse of him made me reflect on our conversation:

 _"Artemis was Wally's partner. Let's see how Tigress does."_

 _"As a hero?" Bart Allen, the new Kid Flash, asked._

 _"As a blonde," I smirked in response._

I regret not taking hold of the hero title. I think I still would have had a dark mourning period, but having that title could have helped my perspective sooner. However, I don't regret my comeback and the team of people it took to get me where I am.

"Ready to go on the mission?" Bart chirped -interrupting my inner reflective moments. I stand before responding.

"Let's see how Tigress does," I remark with a smirk. Vaguely curious if he recalled my wording from that mission years ago.

"As a hero?" Kid Flash/Bart Allen asked with a genuine smile on his youthful face and tweaked my blonde ponytail with his question. He did remember. The darn, sweet kiddo.

I wrapped my arm around his shoulder –that was now taller than mine- "As a hero, kid."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Too dramatic? Too angry? Oddly, it was fun, and a bit therapeutic, to write this. I know I was upset by Wally's ending when I first watched the serious, maybe Artemis/Tigress could have been this dramatically mournful? Who knows. Thank you for reading!


End file.
